I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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