My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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