Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
