i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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