In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just pynch a tree in the face
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
