he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
