this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
