You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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