so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
