i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
