I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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