i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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