im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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