I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
