you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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