it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
