Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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