She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
