Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he was CRYING into my vagina
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize