The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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