Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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