I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i wish my penis had a tongue
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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