I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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