ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
This gyro tastes like lonliness
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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