Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
