if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
