I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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