i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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