I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
