I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
