i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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