I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
