I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
