I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So much Jack, so little girl.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
