just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
