I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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