some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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