This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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