walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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