Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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