my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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