Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
