In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
