Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
