Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
