I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
