there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
