She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
