and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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