ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
