There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
