I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
