Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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