apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
it's like iHOP with fire
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
