eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
