Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
