i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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