I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
