apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize