Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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