My liver just broke up with me...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I don't deserve a penis
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
