Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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