This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
